Monday, 18 April 2011

A Reason To Get Life Threateningly Drunk More

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest, fattest, stupidest, buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the weakest at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd, because their general speed and health is maintained by the regular culling of the weaklings. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of an olympic swimming pool of cheap vodka helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few. The result of this in depth study verifies and validates the causal link between weekend long parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university, or getting married and/or boring, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption beyond a bottle of shitty M&S wine, can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college/uni/exciting years.

This is a massive excuse to get pissed. Get back into the bars. Down that pint. Your country needs you to be at your peak in these difficult times, and you shouldn't deny yourself the life that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be. A massive drunken mess, who does well at work.

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