Wednesday, 27 April 2011

We Need A Miracle...

The Christchurch earthquake, The Japanese earthquake and tsunami, Manchester City making it to The F.A. Cup final, and now this. Geordie Shore. The Mayans were correct. The world will end in 2012. Quit your job, stop going to school and uni, they don't matter any more. Enjoy yourself while you can. Although the folks at MTV are really trying to make sure you go out as angry as an 8 year old trying to get onto the PlayStation Network.

I just “met the cast” of Geordie Shore on MTV's website. They could bore the legs off an oil rig.

First, we have Jay. He says his biggest fear is getting wrinkles. You don't need to worry about that you'll be dead next year. Second is Vicky. A “geordie girl with a VIP edge”. She couldn't be less very important if she were a fly banging against a glass window.

Next; Gary. Who proclaims he should have a degree in pulling women. I doubt he passed key stage 3 never mind GCSE's or A-levels. The ridiculously named Charlotte-Letitia is next. What the fuck was her mother on? Nearly as bad as the New Zealand parents who called their offspring Number 16 Bus Shelter (that is a true story). She tells us she would never kiss a man who didn't have a six pack. That's good, because usually the kind of prick that has a six pack also has the same brain space as her.

James next. The hardest graft he's ever done is doing his hair he says, he should have worked harder on that. Sophie then tells us she could talk the back legs of a donkey. Im sure the donkey would use those back legs to kick her face off if she went any where near the poor mammal. Keep your donkeys locked up, just incase she manages to sneak up on one, it would take about a millionth millionth of a second for even a donkey to get bored of her, and then your donkey wouldn't have any back legs. Not much fun then.

Greg next, who is “dressed to impress”. He's been the only one dressed at all so far. Last and least, Holly. Who admits she is fake, flirty and has double F's. You're fake? Really? I thought MTV only employed down to earth and honest people. I am bereft of any hope for mankind. I'm hoping someone fills up their favourite club with killer bees and bricks off the exits within seconds of the show starting.

Please make sure you're busy when this is on. Hopefully I'll catch you all for a pint before the end of the world, I'll be in The Barrels, crying.

36 comments:

  1. haha, very funny dude. i actually laughed out loud on this train

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  2. I want to look but I fear i'l throw my laptop out of the window

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  3. It is that bad Chris. It goes beyond the level where something can be comical.

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  4. Where the hell in Newcastle will they go?

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  5. I love what you're doing by starting you're own magazine, and I love how a lot of your posts are intelligent and interesting. I really respect you for that. But some, like this, just aren't good journalism. Fair enough, you may not agree with this program, or the way NME has progressed, but it is not making your publication any better by writing narrow-minded, pretentious articles such as this.

    "The ridiculously named Charlotte-Letitia is next. What the fuck was her mother on? Nearly as bad as the New Zealand parents who called their offspring Number 16 Bus Shelter (that is a true story). She tells us she would never kiss a man who didn't have a six pack. That's good, because usually the kind of prick that has a six pack also has the same brain space as her." This is poorly written, offensive material that will no doubt ensure that your blog will not have any real success as a working magazine. You may not like mainstream pop culture, and that's fine. Great, even. Just maybe try and write about it and convey your opinions in a more coherent and thought-provoking way? I agree with some of your points but the aggressive manner in which you thrust them upon the reader has put me off visiting this site again.

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  6. Christ man, its a bit of a laugh.

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  7. I see what he's saying like. But then again, it makes the site more raw and interesting than a lot of others. Every site or magazine or newspaper has its poorer parts.

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  8. These people make my senses hurt.

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  9. See you in Barrels you cunt. I'll be the one that smashes a glass in your face.

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  10. I'll look forward to that, then I won't have to see these sort of people again.

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  11. Lol what a load of trash, nearly as bad as the guy on Big Brother doing his 'ate-a-em'(eight am) accent. My daughter was scouted for this and thank god she refused.
    I was born in raised in the 'toon' and City Road/Byker was my stomping ground, if this is what it has come to then God help us!

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  12. Puh-leaaase anon. Its s'posed to be funny. It is.

    Bad journalism? the author has a point, makes it with points obviously backed up. And its funny at the same time. Its raw, edgy and better than any shite you'll find in newspaper/magazines that are scared of offending their audiences.

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  13. Charlie Brooker made a name for himself writing stuff like this. It's great. Funny, interesting, and laughs at the dumbest parts of society and the media.

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  14. The whole world needs to lighten up...

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  15. This is shit.

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  16. Funny read, i'll come back.

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  17. Crikey. Some people are in desperate need of a fish finger sandwich. Lighten the fuck up.

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  18. Oh, "mainstream & pop culture", I have no problem with that. In a lot of cases I absolutely fucking love it.

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  19. But yes, please lighten up. Don't take us so seriously!

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  20. I hate to admit it, and please everyone don't start a load of slagging me for this, but I'd have to agree this is a very personal view Kyle. It doesn't meet the calibre of the article you usually write. Everything you say is true and it is exactly how I would say it if I was chatting to the lads in the pub, but I'm not sure if it is right as an article here.

    Also, I think I read somewhere on here that you would never post reviews as no one has the right to put down other people's work.

    Obviously, it is your choice what you put up here, but I just don't think it sits well amongst the other more serious articles. Obviously you want to inspire discussion and this is just my opinion (one that I'm willing to put my name to), it's not a black and white decision if you know what I mean.

    I'll continue to be a supporter of the mag though and look forward to seeing what else pops up.

    Al

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  21. Poor attempt at trying to be Berwick upon Tweeds Charlie Brooker.

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  22. ^^ That is how you post constructive criticism. Hats off to you sir. I like the "lad in the pub" style, but thats just me. I see what you mean about it not fitting in with some of the other more serious posts. Different strokes for different folks!

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  23. damn, I gave accidental props to the anon-bomb. I meant to comment on Alans post.

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  24. Thanks for the input Al, at last someone willing to put a name on it.

    I wrote this in anger at said ridiculous program, a few morals went out the window I suppose.

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  25. Lol at the kudos to anon. Cheers Chris and apologies if this is your piece and I stated it was Kyle's article. I'll always put my name to whatever I write.

    I hope you don't get glassed... cunt! Ha ha ha

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  26. nahh not mine. Although I would have written something similar haha.

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  27. I'm the anon that posted the first rant, I didn't mean to come across as offensive. I totally agree with Alan, maybe I should have worded it better but hey. Like I say, a lot of your stuff is really great! And I'm definitely not about to glass your face in the barrells! To the people who say lighten up, I don't think its a case of taking it too seriously, just my humble uneducated opinion. Each to their own!

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  28. My lighten up was aimed at the face glasser. As an NHS employee I have seen glassy faces and its not something to joke about!

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  29. To whoever posted first, I don't think anyone has a problem with anything that you've written, as you say, your points are the same as mine. The issue is that there are a few keyboard warriors who visit the site regularly and comment anonymously purely to put it down.

    I hope the lads from the mag won't mind me saying that constructive criticism like ours is welcomed, providing we're willing to put our name to it. I wouldn't stop visiting the site based on this article as this is just part of a wide range of subjects covered and the lads work hard to make it worth reading - usually ;-)

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  30. How ironic that my last comment has come up as anonymous, ha ha. Sorry, my mistake.

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  31. I can't wait for geordie shore...just throwing that out there

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  32. Hey Anon No.1. How you doing?

    No offence was caused with your first comment. As a graphic designer I realise constructive criticism is one of the most valuable things you'll ever get. Someone takes time to write down what they think of your work, it's not something you should ignore.

    I should think all the lighten ups were probably aimed at FaceGlasser Anon. That won't stop me going to Barrels tomorrow night though.

    I'm glad you think some of our stuff is really great, and not for one second did I assume you were uneducated. I hope this article hasn't put you off coming back. Perhaps you'd even like to contribute? Please in the future don't be scared to leave your name, help can be a lot more helpful if we know who it is we receive it from.

    Cheers.

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  33. The more i read the funnier this becomes.

    spot on.

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  34. Anon No.1 is either called Charlotte-Letitia, or has a six pack.

    Notice the article says "usually" not always the kind of prick. So why are you offended?

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  35. That doesn't matter, he/she was offended by it, so has the right to express their feelings.

    From their comments it's clear to see they know what they're talking about, so I respect their opinions.

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  36. you're all cunts...

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